🫘 Building a Life Abroad: An Interview with writer Alexis Mera Damen

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Good morning, Cool Beans!

The first sip we all are waiting for is here! This month, we had the pleasure of interviewing an incredible writer about her experience living abroad. One thing that stood out: when it comes to thriving as an expat, the key to success is always the same - be proactive and say yes as much as you can! We hope you enjoy our conversation with Alexis, along with all the other news and suggestions we’ve curated for you in this issue!

“Dripping water hollows out stone, not through force but through persistence.” – Ovid

This week we had the pleasure of engaging in a meaningful conversation with Alexis Mera Damen, a Dutch-American writer originally from New York and now residing in Amsterdam. We believe it could be interesting for our readers to know more about her unique experience and get inspired by it!

The Cool Aunt <> Cool Beans Expat Club Interview

1) How can you meet new people and build genuine connections?

When I first moved to Amsterdam, I met a lot of new people through meetup.com, expat groups, and Facebook communities. One experience that stands out to me as I think about your question is this one:

I’m a freelancer, so I searched freelance-related groups on Facebook and found one called Freelancing Females NL. I posted something there along the lines of, “Hey, I’m new here and looking for fellow freelancers to co-work with so I don’t start talking to my plants.”

From there, we developed a small group of around six women who were all freelancers, and we met regularly to work side-by-side and get to know each other better. Almost six years later, we don’t have this group anymore, but I’m now very close with one of the women I met through posting a simple note in a Facebook group. It’s important to remember that you’ll meet a lot of people by joining groups and going to meetups, but you’ll only build friendships and genuine connections with a few, which, for me, is great. I’m all about quality over quantity when it comes to friends.

Two years ago, I started playing Padel and have met loads of people. Find activities related to your interests and you’ll meet like-minded people! As far as building genuine connections, just be yourself. Don’t put on a show. And avoid too much small talk. That’s what has worked for me.

2) What’s the best way to turn acquaintances into real friends?

I think we just click with some people and with others we don’t. If you notice good chemistry between someone you’ve recently met through a meetup or another friend, ask if they want to get a cup of coffee or a drink sometime. Meeting one-on-one has helped me build deeper connections with a few people from our larger group of friends. It kind of feels like dating, but what’s the worst that could happen?

3) How do you stay grounded when friends move away and you're forced to start over?

Yeah, this is an annoying aspect of being an expat. I’m sort of used to it, as when I lived in New York City, many of my college friends left shortly after we graduated. Only the ones (like me) who were originally from NYC or New York State stayed for the long haul. I try to put a positive spin on it. If one of my friends moves to Spain, for example, I have someone to visit and a place to stay in a different city! I also work hard to maintain friendships with people I know will stay put for a while. The ones who have a Dutch partner or who have already lived here in Amsterdam for a long time.

4) What are the key differences in making friends in the Netherlands versus the U.S.?

This is a tricky question because in New York, I was a local, born and raised, but here in Amsterdam, I’m an expat, and there’s a thriving expat community making it easy to meet new people. I find it very refreshing to meet people who, like me, had the courage to move to a new country and are open to meeting new people and having new experiences. One major difference I’ve noticed, though, is that it’s challenging to make Dutch friends, whereas in New York, I had friends from all over the world. It’s more open there. I wrote more about this and my experience of living in the Netherlands here.

5) Do you think you’ll ever move back to the US or to another country?

At this point, I don’t have any plans to return to the US or move to another country, but also, making such a big move has taught me that if I really want to, I can do it again. And that life has its own plan for us. I like that in the Netherlands, there’s a lot less pressure to do all the things like get married, buy a house, have a kid, etc. It’s normal to live with your partner for a long time and not get married. Maybe you even have a kid first, see if you can handle it together, and then get married. It’s also normal to have work-life balance, and, god forbid, take time off! In the US, there’s too much pressure around following a conventional life path, at least I felt that way when I was living there in my 30s. I lived in New York City for 16 years before moving to Amsterdam. I moved there for college, and after a while, I found it difficult to find new friend circles to join, especially when a lot of my friends were settling into serious relationships in their mid-20s. I wasn’t ready for that yet. New York often felt like a lonely place for me, but in Amsterdam, there’s always someone to see!

Alexis

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• 🤤Find the coolest picks for Chicago, this week:

  • 🤤 If you are craving something new: Few weeks ago we had a great lunch at Andros Taverna in Logan Square, where the standout dishes were the rich, comforting moussaka and the perfectly roasted lemon potatoes—crispy on the outside, soft inside, and full of bright, citrusy flavor. The atmosphere strikes a nice balance between modern and cozy, making it a solid spot for a casual dinner or a special night out.

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  • 🎤 If live music is your vibe: If live music is your vibe: Let’s Celebrate Juneteenth with a heavy dose of nostalgia at the R&B Music Experience on Thursday, June 19 at Wintrust Arena. With a lineup featuring Ashanti, Lil Kim, Mýa, Lloyd, and Donell Jones, this is the music millennials grew up on—the tracks that soundtracked house parties, first crushes, and slow dances. It’s a night guaranteed to bring you back to your teenage years. Doors open at 7 p.m., show starts at 8. Click here to get your ticket!

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• The recap of our great weekend at Taste of Randolph is out! See it here!! 💣

• One week out to our secret garden Pizza Party! Tickets are selling fast, buy yours here! You’ll have the opportunity to make your own pizza or just sit down and relax and we’ll make it for you. Cherries on top are the drinks from Years Beers and No Fine Print wine!

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All typos are intentional, we are expats ;)

We wrote 3 articles in collaboration with 3 great expats around the world. Read them below!

• The Mediterranean Vs North American Lifestyle with Nolan

• Should you move to Chicago? with Elizabeth

• The story of Cool Beans and our take on Community with Emanuela

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